All long distance, though. I still loved them, each in different ways. One, I knew in real life, I saved her from going to jail... well, a few years later, I reached out to her, I wanted to talk about unfriending each other online, because I still thought of her and didn't want to anymore, but I never got that far, because as I congratulated her on being alcohol free, she responded drunk off her ass, threatening suicide if I didn't "watch what I said", before asking me if I loved her, which lead to 3 months of madness over the phone where I wasn't actually even sure sometimes if I would get out. Eventually, I let myself become attached, then devastated when things finally ended.

The other, we just talked too much until things got flirty, and then until I scared and "suffocated" her away. I wrote the following article to send women eventually, but have never used it--

https://medium.com/be-open/abuse-is-not-an-easy-way-out-of-your-relationship-b12b53abd731.

In a most recent case, I probably should have sent it to her, but it never dawned on me, because we started as writer friends, I was dealing with too much shit at the time, I wasn't thinking straight, and she actually captured my heart enough that I couldn't so easily let her go... so I wasn't overall dedicated to shaking her off of me.

Now it's she who would push me away, and I know she's right to do it, because I've been twisting knives in her sides about taking up too much of my time, though it's not her fault I sit at the keyboard for numerous hours at a time without sending her anything, and about doubting she could be real, because apparently 99.2% certainty is not enough for me, and that's ridiculous, so I make digs at myself... which she takes personally!! Every time...

I haven't hurt or loved this much in more than a decade, and I was a teenager then. The temptation has been to slide into her DMs one day with a "numbing cream, or straight up?"

Probably would piss her off at this point, because how could she ever trust me again?

I'm metamorphosing at an alarming rate, but she hasn't experienced my full timeline to know how much that really means, and I'm still quite fucked up, so I have to progress faster than ever before for her to regain her confidence in me. There's a thrill to it by default, but with her involvement, it changes the game.

But I can't keep expecting her to drain herself through my troubles as I've been allowing...

Anyway, sorry for oversharing, thank you for listening, and I love you, Star.

From the bottom of my heart.

I'm sorry I'm so crazy.

For you...

I know, you're mad at me. Not the time.

Take care.