I read it twice, I always go over your works at least twice. This one really hit me, I had chills once near the beginning and tears trying to form in my eyes on the last line. I couldn't rip myself away from it.

I know I can be an intense, highly expressive person to start... so I can easily come across as phony. But there's no other rway of putting it... I needed to find your writing.

Today, for the first time in a while, I was pacing for two hours, gently freaking out about my place in life, and often diverting to the topic of my family. Actually, it started because I wasn't sure if it was worth spending some my last dollars right now on a bell pepper. I have chicken, bread and rice, of which I still need to make some. I realize that starving myself probably isn't helping, but the money has many other uses, and I'd probably forget to eat half the time if I were rich anyway.

I eventually sat down at my laptop, where Medium just happened to be open. Read a couple About Me articles, replied to a couple comments, then found myself here, I think from a bottom of the page link.

I didn't know I was clicking on one of your articles, just saw the title and became curious.

But it pulled me out of my state of anxiety. I know I need to be more honest about this fact in my writing, and that I don't know why I try to hide it, but I still do fall into states of depression, because some things I don't feel justified wiping away with a relief strategy.

It's hard not letting yourself feel. The cold, logical part of the brain, which also happens to be the warmest and most creative part of the brain, just wants to rest sometimes. It's cognitively easy to sink deeper and deeper into emotions and thought processes that area already running.

In this case, I definitely should be putting more effort into taking care of myself, it might make things cognitively easier. One meal a day, maybe some nuts and dried fruit mix on the side, one shower or two a week, and I really need to clean my apartment.

I know why I keep much to myself, and it doesn't even have to do with me. But surely I can open up and still keep private what I must.

Just, reading this gave me both perspective and motivation, and made me realize I have also been feeling this urgency.

The other night I had a dream of being cornered in my old high school by two guys bigger than me, who then pushed me down and applied pressure to the pressure points on my wrists and my neck. This was a bit strange, because my high school experience was mostly peaceful.

I already twitch regularly because I can't shake these feelings in my pressure points. I can't comfortably expose my neck if I'm lying down in an empty room, and I often struggle to play guitar because I need to hide my wrists against myself. As I write this, I keep stopping to scratch them. I'm going to have to get up again because my sides feel like I can feel my bones touching or something.

But all these different feelings have been linking in my mind more and more to all types of negativities around the world. I tell myself, if I feel like I'm suffering, then imagine what it is for those who are actually in pain.

...

Writing this response to your article did for me what I was afraid I couldn't get out of writing. And I realize now that I've been stupid to think that way. When I was in college, I once spent so long (~6 hours) writing straight and silently in my room that the girl in the next room had the landlord check it I was alive. I had headphones on, I didn't know they were knocking. But I had been writing a letter (which I never intended to send) to my ex girlfriend at the time.

Six hours disappeared without noticing.

But I had forgotten about incidents like this one. I realize now that most of my time spent writing has been when directly to others.

That example wasn't the best for my intention of writing, but it was salient at the time of choosing an example.

And now I really need to make myself eat.

I'd say I really shouldn't have waited this long, since in my current setup I still have to cook the rice and chicken one at a time, but at least now I know how badly I want that bell pepper, and I can make the timing work.

I intended to respond to your article that I read yesterday, after having slept on it, but now I need to get my day going.

Thank you sincerely for everything, and I will for you peace and wellness. I know what I'm asking for, but every little bit counts, right? One day you could just wake up and just like that, out of nowhere, you're shaking hands with your sadness. Or it'll always be there, driving you, giving you a reason to relate to every person who's ever been in pain or suffered.

I don't know if I really stayed on point, or what exactly I was getting to. But yes, this reading has been invaluable to me. Thank you. And sorry for the run-on post.