It's such a conflicting feeling to "clap" for some of this, but I guess in these cases it's perhaps just a measure of weighting... and it's so heavy. Your description of things going well also makes me more emotional somehow than the chaos, because it's in those moments that you can really appreciate what you know you have to lose. But also, it makes the mundane shine for how beautiful normal, uneventful life can really be. And I just wish everyone could have that. Which has been made practically impossible. And I know every individual has a part to play. I don't want to fuck it up forever. It makes my goal of working as a copywriter feel wrong too. Except I know I want to support only products and messages that I love and trust, and that if I can do that, I can help people, even if it's not always affecting the most needy. I tell myself the chain reaction of small positive changes on the world could mean everything, but mess up one degree on my path and there's no knowing what comes of my impact. The sacrifice of a soldier, or of a loving person in general protecting their loved ones, is direct. I'm not the most physically able for such a position in the first place, but today, I don't imagine that means what it used to. I think I'd talk myself into the mindset of having a higher purpose one way or another, and to only sacrifice my life if it was the only way to do things right in the instant. But these aren't things people can claim and know what would happen in real life. I can't say I want to face the challenge.

But I do want you to know how much I respect your decisions, and your strength (physical and mental) facing everything. For those who are safe, it's hard not to regard you as a hero.